Mother's Day Weekend

This is the weekend of handmade cards and gifts and we celebrate and delight in these gifts with our children and our mothers. 

For me Mother's Day is a weekend full of mixed emotions.  10 years ago you would have found me in my bed and I would have stayed there all weekend if not for my mom.  We used to have a traditional "Burn the Old" weekend at camp.  We would head down to the (old) trailer for the day and clean things up and get a huge fire roaring and just keep adding to it.  We were usually the only ones there.  That park didn't open until mid May so there was little chance of running into any other people and I could sulk and cry as much as I wanted.

Eight years ago all of that changed.  I no longer wanted to run and hide.  I was finally able to celebrate Mother's Day as a mom.

I still grieve for the children that might have been. I'm not sure that I will ever not feel this way.  I am more than thrilled to have my daughter, but it pains me when I know that a sibling for her won't happen.

I remember when I was married the first time and we had found out that I was pregnant for the second time.  I was spotting, but other than that all things seemed to be OK.  Although the Dr didn't see any cause for concern, I parked myself on the couch and thought that if I didn't do anything that all would be well.  I remember thinking about whether or not I was ready to become a parent.  I was only 24.  I asked my mom about it and she said she knew from the very beginning that she was ready to have me and be a mom.  It wasn't long after that I was in the hospital and lost my 2nd pregnancy in 6 months.  It was then that Mother's Day took a bad turn for me. Hubby(now) and I tried and failed our rounds of IVF's and motherhood didn't look like it was going to ever happen for me I had an even harder time.  I was so hopeful in May 2003 that I would become a mom that I didn't even think about how much I disliked Mother's Day.  In fact that same year I went out and bought a Father's Day card for the dad to be.  We found out on the Thursday before Father's Day that our 3rd and final round of IVF didn't work.

It was later that year that we found out that out dream to become parents was going to come true.  My first Mother's Day was beautiful, sunny and warm.  It was a perfect day.  This was the last time that Jo's birth mom saw her.  I called her that night to see if she was OK.  It had to be hard for her to see Jo and know that someone else was her mom.  She sounded fine and was happy to know that we were happy and all was well.  We found out not long after that she was pregnant yet again.  I felt like I had been kicked in the gut.  She knew that day that she was expecting again.  She has 5 children in total not including my child.  Life just doesn't seem fair at times.  She has five, I have one.  We have the means to support and give children what they need and she has never had a job. (sorry....just a little rant)

I am thankful to be a mom.  I am thankful that Jo's birth mom chose to give her to us and give us the chance that so many people take for granted.  There are days when I wonder to myself if I was crazy to have given up the "free" life and to be forever responsible for a child.  There are days that I can't imagine what life would be like without her.  I have learned so many things from her and it is amazing to see the world through another pair of eyes.  A pair of beautiful blue eyes!

It is a day of celebration, but keep in mind that not all people are happy that this day is upon us once again.
When you are enjoying your day with your children or your mom keep these women in mind:

• the woman who has no children to celebrate with
• the woman thinking about the child she gave up for adoption
• the woman who has just lost her mom
• the woman who has lost a child
• the woman who has a child that is missing
• the woman that has been separated from her children
• the woman who has a sick child
• the woman who has an ill mom
• the woman who has just suffered a pregnancy loss
• the woman who has chosen not to be a mom

I am forever indebted to the woman who gave me the opportunity to be called mom.   She will always have a place in my heart and I'm not sure that she will ever know the impact that her selfless act has had on me.  I hope she knows that we are doing our best and that last night Jo brought tears to my eyes.  There is a  little guy in her school that is at Sick Kid's Hospital right now and is not in very good health at all.  I gave a donation last night as we were leaving the school and without any prompting from anyone she opened her own purse and dropped $5.00 in the donation bucket for him and his family.  It was a proud mommy moment.

Almost 20 years ago I questioned whether or not I was ready to be a mom, when I see the generous and happy little girl that I am raising now  I can now look back and know that I probably wasn't ready.  I do know that I was very ready 8 years ago.

Happy Mother's Day!

May 2004-My First Mother's Day!

Missing Grampa

Tuesday marked the one year anniversary of the death of my Grampa.  It was a rough day for me.  I stayed in bed for part of it and only went out so that I could do the little bit of shopping that my father in law needed.
I have been reliving last year for the last few days remembering where I was, what we were doing. 

There are some things that stand out in my mind

• Crying in the truck when hearing The Climb from Miley Cyrus
• Having some good laughs with my siblings looking at Grampa's funny stuff
• Trying to decide if electronics were appropriate for the kids to take to the funeral home(we decided yes, but only in some areas)
• Being disappointed with my co-workers and employer.  No flowers, no donation, no card...
• Nana being as strong as always
• The kids being well behaved
• The snow!  It was crazy the amounts we got
• My sister being very hesitant to go in
• Nana touching Grampa's face and saying God Bless You Frank
• Seeing my brother at the very end standing alone at the casket
• Hugging Grampa for the last time.  I've never touched a dead body before.  He felt like a doll
• Jo sitting with her Uncle for the service being very well behaved

It was a rough week, but in the end I knew that Grampa wasn't happy being confined to a bed and not doing all the things he loved.  I miss him more that anything....

Here are a few pictures from that week.  Some taken by me, some by my sister and some by my mom

The Snow!

One of the Funnies that Grampa collected

His wall of Fame

My cousin feeding the deer

Jo wearing Grampa's wig

The snowman!

He was cute

A painting of the house and property

A Winter Walk

Friday we had no school so we went off to visit my mom out on the farm that she is living at.  We had a hearty lunch and then got dressed up nice and warm and headed out.  I think we were out for about an hour!  Here are some of the shots I got.

Saying Goodbye

Last year on December 13th we said good bye to Grampa.  The ride from Nana's house to the hospital seemed to go by quicker although we didn't want it to. 

We arrived at the hospital and made our way to Grampa's room.  Jo was very reluctant to go near him.  He didn't look the same, his voice was all but a whisper and she was afraid of his catheter.  She asked us dozens of times on the drive home where it came from and what it was.  We stayed about half an hour trying to prolong the inevitable.  Saying Goodbye.  Jo played around writing on the white board and we tried to get her to climb up and cuddle with Grampa, but she would have nothing to do with it.  All I wanted to do was crawl up and cuddle with him.  I think we said goodbye a few times and finally I knew I had to go.  Jo and I both kissed him goodbye and I told him that I loved him and then left the room to give my mom some time alone with her dad.  I was in tears before we left the room.  Jo had such a hard time wondering why I was crying and I tried to explain to her that Grampa would soon be going to heaven and I was sad.  How do you explain it to a 6 year old?  We waited for Mom and I had to fight the urge to go back in.  We went downstairs and I thought I was OK.  I had to use the bathroom before we started our journey back and through the door I could her a gentleman talking to Jo asking her how old she was and what she wanted for Christmas.  He then told her that he had a granddaughter just about her age and how he was looking forward to spending Christmas with her.  I lost it. The tears were flowing and there was nothing I could do to stop them.  Mom and I finally pulled ourselves together and started the journey home.  I am thankful that Mom was with me to keep me occupied in conversation and to know that I wasn't alone in my grief that day. 

There are moments in time that will never be forgotten and this is one of them.  I miss him....

December is Broken Hearts Month

December is a very hard month for so many people for so many different reasons.  This is supposed to be a season of happiness....not for everyone though.

I am coming up on the one year mark of starting to smoke again after 26 months.  It coincides with the same weekend that I said good bye to Grampa for the last time.  For years I cried every time we said good bye, but the last time we knew it would be the last visit.  We picked up some Pillsbury cookie dough and made cookies for Nana and took some to the hospital for Grampa.  He took one small bite and told Jo how good it was and put it aside.  This coming from the man that had to have dessert after every meal.  I am dreading the anniversary of my last conversation, my last hug and last time I heard him say I love you.  3 generations of women walked out of the hospital that day knowing that we wouldn't ever have another moment.  My mom said good bye to her father, I to my grandfather and Jo to her great grandfather. I will post more on that next week.  It's been in my head for ages......

I have a dear friend I've never met "in real life". We've been online friends for almost 10 years.  She is part of a great group of friends who met online while undergoing the trials and tribulations of infertility.   She successfully had a frozen embryo transfer and found out 2 days ago that at 10 weeks the baby no longer has a heartbeat and she will be undergoing a D&C tomorrow.  I know how difficult it is to lose a pregnancy at 4 and 6 weeks and vividly remember what she will be going through emotionally.  She will be in my thoughts all day tomorrow. This was to be the final Christmas as a family of 4 and next year there was supposed to be 5.

In September another friend lost her 48 year old husband suddenly.  Last Christmas was the first one without her father and this one will be without her husband who was her best friend.  I just can't imagine....To be 45 and widowed..

I struggle with December.  It is better now that Jo has come into our lives.  I still grieve for the children that might have been, the children that we wanted so badly.  I am more than content to have such a wonderful daughter who brings love, laughter and joy into many lives, not just ours.  There have been times this month where I've wanted nothing to do with Christmas and then there are other times that I am thrilled that it's the festive season again.  It is an emotional roller coaster at times.

If nothing else this Holiday Season, please remember that the lady in front of you who is cranky and miserable might be hurting. She might have lost someone dear and is facing difficulties at Christmas.  Maybe she can't make it home for the Holidays or she won't be seeing her children.  Maybe her children might be wanting something for Christmas and there just isn't enough money in the budget this year.  The happy faces that you see are sometimes just a mask.  I have worn that mask and as soon as I was away from people the mask came off and the tears started.  Emotions run very high at this time of year.  Take the time to hold the door, offer your place in line or give up the good parking spot. Try to remember that there is always someone else in worse shape than you....

Love
Peace
Forgiveness
It's what the season is all about.........

Childhood Memories

This clock was part of my childhood.  It chimed every hour and every half hour.  It got so that we didn't hear the chimes at all.  This past week my mom brought me the clock for safe keeping.  I made room for it and wound it up, set the time and it is now ticking away in my dining room.  It doesn't chime on the hour anymore, but does one chime on the half hour.  Hubby isn't very happy about that, but I figure he'll get used to it!  It is a comforting sound to me.  Reminds me of happy times!

November 25th 2010

I was told this morning that the weather 68 years ago was warm and sunny.  November 25th, 1942 was the day that my grandparents were wed.  I called Nana this morning to let her know I was thinking about her.  This will be the first anniversary since Grampa died.  Last year at the hospital they put on a little celebration for them and someone played piano and sang songs for them.  Nana told me one of the songs that Grampa requested, but I can't remember what it was. 

Celebrating 65 years of Marriage!  We celebrated in the summer a few months early!

Happy Anniversary to two of the most important people in my life!  I hope that Grampa is watching over Nana and that Nana will be Ok today.....

NaBloPoMo Day 15

Does a song ever take you back into time.  Something you hadn't thought about in years...decades even?  Today while running errands a song came on the radio and I was instantly taken back to my childhood, in our basement playroom with the old 33 1/3 rpm record player and this song....

My brother and I played it so much that eventually the record skipped and if I remember rightly it was ok, because it kept going back to the motorcycle revving.

All I could think when I heard this today was WOW!!!  I'll have to try and remember some of the other songs we used to listen to....

Weekend Recap

I had an amazing weekend!  I started with a flight to Ottawa, shuttled to the Cartier Place Hotel where I checked my suitcase and then took a quick cab ride up to the Rideau Centre and some serious shopping!  I wandered through the Byward Market and then met up with a friend for the night!


The Market is a great place to wander!  There are all kinds of little shops, restaurants, buskers and funky stuff to look at and buy.  I took a wander into Sassy Beads and picked up some beads for myself and while I was there I made a bracelet for a friend of mine who recently broke on of hers that was a gift to all of us from another friend.  The one that she broke meant a great deal to her so I picked and sorted through the store and came up with one for her that has the letters "YGG" in the middle.  She is a university student at the age of 48 and You Go Girl has become a mantra!  She was thrilled as was I!  I bought some chinese pajamas for the girls and a hat for a little guy.  I ended up going back on Saturday and bought more hats for all three kids!! We are going back to Ottawa in 2 weeks for a wedding and I scored a great suit at The Bay that was 40% off and because I was a tourist I received an additional 15% off.

Friday night S and I went and did a little bit of shopping, had some dinner and then just went back to our room and relaxed, bitched, drank some wine and had some really good laughs.  Saturday morning we were a little slow moving, but managed to make it to the wedding shower of another friend and met up with the rest of our gang there.  After the shower, I played tourist all alone and wandered through Ottawa and took pictures and marveled at what was around me.  People from all over the world come to Ottawa and very rarely do we play tourist in our own back yard!!  I took some pics......

From the Air

Gotta love Clouds

Ottawa from the Air

More Ottawa

Ottawa Airport

Funky Pumpkins in the Market

Grapevine

The view from our room

In the Market

Part of Parliament Hill

Rideau Locks

Outdoors at the NAC

The Parliament Buildings

The Unknown Soldier

Thought it was pretty

The intersection of the hotel

I spent Saturday night with my cousin and her family and had a great time sharing a little too much wine and conversation in the hot tub.  Sunday was quiet and nice.  The perfect way to end a great weekend and nurse a hangover!

10-10-10

Andrea over at the Fishbowl had a challenge to commemorate 10/10/10 October the 10th, of 2010 by taking a picture every hour on the hour with a picture!  I messed up and did mine on the half hour, but did it none the less!
So here they are!

930 Quiche in the oven

10:30 Getting ready to chop onions for the mashed potatoes (I'll share the recipe later)

1130 I'm finally taking a minute to enjoy the quiche

1230 I'm almost ready for company

130 Carrots are ready!

230 All the veggies and the onions for the potatoes are waiting

330 Texas Horseshoes are about to begin

430 Beer and Jello Shooter!

530 Turkey #2 is ready to fry

630 Part of the dinner spread

730 Part of the mess to clean

It was a great day!  I'll post a recap on the whole weekend later!!

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving Today