Wednesday, August 25, 2010

How does this affect my family?

I have to be very thankful that my husband understands that there are some days that I just can't function.  He has helped tremendously around the house.  He took over cooking and cleaning the kitchen, helping with the child(more than usual), helping to tidy the house and a whole list of others daily mundane chores that I just couldn't find the energy to do.  He let me sleep when I needed it, checked on my through the night when I was sleepless....He has truly been awesome through this and I'm not sure that I would have been quite so patient.

I haven't explained to my child that I suffer from depression.  I don't think she is quite old enough yet to understand what that means.  She has been angry with me because I have totally forgotten some of her weekly activities, she has yelled at me because I have fallen asleep when I said I would watch her and her friends in the pool, but mostly I think it has been harder on me because I just don't have the patience or the energy some days to do the things that she wants me to do.  She is an early riser and normally I would be able to get out of bed, get her some breakfast and help her onto some of her web pages to play and then I would be able to go and lay back down.  Some mornings I just couldn't get out of bed to do any of that and she would be angry with me. Now on the days that I just can't, she can get her own breakfast and her pages are bookmarked or she knows how to turn on the television and get her channels on.  Nice parenting on my part.....She has always been very independent but I think mommy should be a little more involved...which in turn brings me down because I think that I am not being the parent I should be.  It's a viscous circle.  We have done a lot together this summer.  I have to remind myself that she will only be little for a little while and I forced myself many times to drag my ass out of the house and take her places and do things with her.  Just because I am not well doesn't mean that she should suffer...right?

I am doing my best to put my depression aside for her.  Some days it has been impossible, but there have been other days that if not for her I might not have gotten out of bed at all.  I have tried to keep her routine in check and not to take any of my frustrations out around her.  I have to consider myself very fortunate that we have a great support system with friends and family and even our day care provider.  My husband has been amazing in helping me.  He has always been a very involved parent, but since I have been ill he has been more helpful in so many ways. 

I guess the only thing I can hope for is that one day when she is old enough she will understand what I am going through and will understand....

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