For me Mother's Day is a weekend full of mixed emotions. 10 years ago you would have found me in my bed and I would have stayed there all weekend if not for my mom. We used to have a traditional "Burn the Old" weekend at camp. We would head down to the (old) trailer for the day and clean things up and get a huge fire roaring and just keep adding to it. We were usually the only ones there. That park didn't open until mid May so there was little chance of running into any other people and I could sulk and cry as much as I wanted.
Eight years ago all of that changed. I no longer wanted to run and hide. I was finally able to celebrate Mother's Day as a mom.
I still grieve for the children that might have been. I'm not sure that I will ever not feel this way. I am more than thrilled to have my daughter, but it pains me when I know that a sibling for her won't happen.
I remember when I was married the first time and we had found out that I was pregnant for the second time. I was spotting, but other than that all things seemed to be OK. Although the Dr didn't see any cause for concern, I parked myself on the couch and thought that if I didn't do anything that all would be well. I remember thinking about whether or not I was ready to become a parent. I was only 24. I asked my mom about it and she said she knew from the very beginning that she was ready to have me and be a mom. It wasn't long after that I was in the hospital and lost my 2nd pregnancy in 6 months. It was then that Mother's Day took a bad turn for me. Hubby(now) and I tried and failed our rounds of IVF's and motherhood didn't look like it was going to ever happen for me I had an even harder time. I was so hopeful in May 2003 that I would become a mom that I didn't even think about how much I disliked Mother's Day. In fact that same year I went out and bought a Father's Day card for the dad to be. We found out on the Thursday before Father's Day that our 3rd and final round of IVF didn't work.
It was later that year that we found out that out dream to become parents was going to come true. My first Mother's Day was beautiful, sunny and warm. It was a perfect day. This was the last time that Jo's birth mom saw her. I called her that night to see if she was OK. It had to be hard for her to see Jo and know that someone else was her mom. She sounded fine and was happy to know that we were happy and all was well. We found out not long after that she was pregnant yet again. I felt like I had been kicked in the gut. She knew that day that she was expecting again. She has 5 children in total not including my child. Life just doesn't seem fair at times. She has five, I have one. We have the means to support and give children what they need and she has never had a job. (sorry....just a little rant)
I am thankful to be a mom. I am thankful that Jo's birth mom chose to give her to us and give us the chance that so many people take for granted. There are days when I wonder to myself if I was crazy to have given up the "free" life and to be forever responsible for a child. There are days that I can't imagine what life would be like without her. I have learned so many things from her and it is amazing to see the world through another pair of eyes. A pair of beautiful blue eyes!
It is a day of celebration, but keep in mind that not all people are happy that this day is upon us once again.
When you are enjoying your day with your children or your mom keep these women in mind:
- the woman who has no children to celebrate with
- the woman thinking about the child she gave up for adoption
- the woman who has just lost her mom
- the woman who has lost a child
- the woman who has a child that is missing
- the woman that has been separated from her children
- the woman who has a sick child
- the woman who has an ill mom
- the woman who has just suffered a pregnancy loss
- the woman who has chosen not to be a mom
Almost 20 years ago I questioned whether or not I was ready to be a mom, when I see the generous and happy little girl that I am raising now I can now look back and know that I probably wasn't ready. I do know that I was very ready 8 years ago.
Happy Mother's Day!
|May 2004-My First Mother's Day!|