December is Broken Hearts Month

December is a very hard month for so many people for so many different reasons.  This is supposed to be a season of happiness....not for everyone though.

I am coming up on the one year mark of starting to smoke again after 26 months.  It coincides with the same weekend that I said good bye to Grampa for the last time.  For years I cried every time we said good bye, but the last time we knew it would be the last visit.  We picked up some Pillsbury cookie dough and made cookies for Nana and took some to the hospital for Grampa.  He took one small bite and told Jo how good it was and put it aside.  This coming from the man that had to have dessert after every meal.  I am dreading the anniversary of my last conversation, my last hug and last time I heard him say I love you.  3 generations of women walked out of the hospital that day knowing that we wouldn't ever have another moment.  My mom said good bye to her father, I to my grandfather and Jo to her great grandfather. I will post more on that next week.  It's been in my head for ages......

I have a dear friend I've never met "in real life". We've been online friends for almost 10 years.  She is part of a great group of friends who met online while undergoing the trials and tribulations of infertility.   She successfully had a frozen embryo transfer and found out 2 days ago that at 10 weeks the baby no longer has a heartbeat and she will be undergoing a D&C tomorrow.  I know how difficult it is to lose a pregnancy at 4 and 6 weeks and vividly remember what she will be going through emotionally.  She will be in my thoughts all day tomorrow. This was to be the final Christmas as a family of 4 and next year there was supposed to be 5.

In September another friend lost her 48 year old husband suddenly.  Last Christmas was the first one without her father and this one will be without her husband who was her best friend.  I just can't imagine....To be 45 and widowed..

I struggle with December.  It is better now that Jo has come into our lives.  I still grieve for the children that might have been, the children that we wanted so badly.  I am more than content to have such a wonderful daughter who brings love, laughter and joy into many lives, not just ours.  There have been times this month where I've wanted nothing to do with Christmas and then there are other times that I am thrilled that it's the festive season again.  It is an emotional roller coaster at times.

If nothing else this Holiday Season, please remember that the lady in front of you who is cranky and miserable might be hurting. She might have lost someone dear and is facing difficulties at Christmas.  Maybe she can't make it home for the Holidays or she won't be seeing her children.  Maybe her children might be wanting something for Christmas and there just isn't enough money in the budget this year.  The happy faces that you see are sometimes just a mask.  I have worn that mask and as soon as I was away from people the mask came off and the tears started.  Emotions run very high at this time of year.  Take the time to hold the door, offer your place in line or give up the good parking spot. Try to remember that there is always someone else in worse shape than you....

Love
Peace
Forgiveness
It's what the season is all about.........